I was once asked what made me so insecure about my relationships with people. Truth is, it stems from years of incidences. It comes from being left out at recess in elementary school. From being convinced that those girls were my friends, only to hear them making fun of me in the locker room after gym class. From having another group of girls pretend to be my friend, only to make fun of me for being the only seventh grade girl who didn’t shave her legs. Hanna inviting me to her birthday party that year and then me hearing her tell the other girls that the only reason I was invited was because her parents made her invite me probably contributed. They felt bad for me because my mom was dying. Being overlooked countless times at school because I didn’t go to their church; wasn’t even the same denomination.
The fact that my first boyfriend cheated on me. One who was almost my second boyfriend used me to get to another girl. My actual second boyfriend said he’d wait til I was ready to have sex, that he wouldn’t pressure me. He waited. A whole three days. And then he raped me. A girl I thought was my friend constantly told me I was fat, not that smart. My third boyfriend made me fall in love with him. I gave my heart to him. But then he joined the army. While I stayed faithful to him, wrote him letters every day. Slept by my phone in case he called. Waited for him. He gave up. He couldn’t handle the distance. “It wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be,” he told me.
Another girl I thought was my friend took advantage over and over again. I had a friend who was like a brother to me. But in the end he was just another toxic relationship.
I could go on and on but I won’t. The fact of the matter is plain and simple. Life made me wary of my relationships.